


This is actually the worst wedding plan ever

by Thotzo



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Hanzo is a weeb, M/M, assholes in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 01:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17294876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thotzo/pseuds/Thotzo
Summary: Jesse and Hanzo go undercover to try to expose the front for an arms dealer.  Unfortunately the hopefully-a-front is a wedding planner.They plan the worst wedding ever, as the mission will end if the planner tries to shoot them for being assholes.





	This is actually the worst wedding plan ever

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Target Practice Holiday exchange. This one is for aredesification. The prompt was undercover as a couple.  
> I hope you enjoy it, and have a happy holiday!!!!

Using a business as a front for illegal shit had been going on for years and years.  It was probably older than cars that actually had wheels.  Sure, it was normally restaurants, but now a days everyone expected that.  No, now illegal shit had to get more creative with their business fronts.  Which was good for anyone in that business, but total shit for people that had to go undercover to try to see if this wedding planner that seemed to be thriving despite having almost no customers was a front.  

Jesse was very used to undercover work.  Stealth and pretending to be something he wasn’t had gotten him far in life.  Hell, it had kept him alive while he was avoiding the whole ‘six million dollars for his cowboy head’ thing. Being able to get in and out of places by being someone other than Jesse McCree had saved his life.  It was like switching hats, take one off, and put the better fit on.  Uncovering fronts for money laundering or weapons trades had been easy. 

This time, though, it wasn’t as easy.  Oh no.  This time it had to be a two person mission. What self respecting arms dealer used a wedding planner as a front? They also sent him with Hanzo.  Which he didn’t understand. Sure, maybe they spent a lot of time together, and okay, yeah, they always kind of forgot that other people were in the room if they were focused on each other.  And yeah, fine, he always seemed to be drawn to Hanzo like a magnet.  And maybe he had a habit of sort of draping himself over Hanzo if he could, and Hanzo didn’t seem to care about that.

Okay, so maybe did understand why they sent him and Hanzo. He glanced across the hotel room they were using while on this mission. He might want to think about opening that box of feelings he tried to just shove down.  Live was much easier that way. Hopefully this would be over quick, that way they could get back to more exciting things to be doing.  Jesse half hoped this whole thing was a front for an arms dealer.  That at least meant the possibility of a shoot out.  Now that’d be a blast.  If there was a shootout, then he could bury that box of _emotions_ and _feelings_ back deep down where he could just…pretend it didn’t exist. He sighed, thunking his head against the wall

“Your day is going well, then?”  Hanzo asked, not even looking up from what he was doing on his tablet. 

“Peachy.  This is just how I wanted to spend by time.” 

“If that’s how you’re looking at it, then of course it will be no fun,” Jesse could hear Hanzo rolling his eyes.  He turned to face Hanzo.

“Fun?  Wanna explain that one?”  Hanzo finally lifted his head away from his tablet.  Jesse felt personally offended by the smirk on Hanzo’s face.  How dare someone look that good?  Now that was just plum unfair.

“It’s a wedding planner,” Hanzo started.  “Meaning that they take _our_ ideas and try to make them work.  If they’re a real planner, they’ll work to try whatever completely ridiculous idea we come up with.”

“You wanna give ‘em a challenge?”

“I am simply _testing_ if they’re real.  I mean, any real planner would be able to handle a few…small requests.”  Ah. Now if  that ain’t an opening to some kind of game.  Jesse thought for a moment.

“Tell ya what, I bet I can get them to hate us first.”

“Same terms as always?”

\----------------------

“Ya got the list?”  Jesse asked while he tried to get the long sleeve over his arm.  Why were the sleeves so thin?  Who thought that was a good idea?

“Both of them, _darling_ ” Hanzo replied.  “I’m not sure that anything on your lists will beat mine, though”

“Why, _Snugglepuff_ I hope you don’t think you’re going to win this one.”  Jesse watched as Hanzo shuddered at the pet name.  He had a lot more where those came from.  He was prepared to make this mission the best it could be.

Also, hopefully knowing that this was all a joke and a game would just make that box of emotions stay put under lock and key where they belonged. If it was all a game to Hanzo, then it could be all a game to him.  Sure.  Totally.  This wasn’t totally going to fuck his heart three ways to Sunday.

Yeah, okay.  Probably not.  But it was too late for that now.  The two finished getting ready and headed off to make their appointment.  At the hopefully-a-front wedding planner.  Hopefully it was a front and hopefully they slipped up quick.  He glanced over, looking out of the corner of his eye as they walked. Yup.  Hanzo was still pretty as a picture, no matter what he was wearing.  How was a man supposed to work like this?  Next time he was assigned something undercover with Hanzo, he was going to refuse on account that he was too gay and Hanzo was too attractive. 

Actually, it might be worth it to try that just to see the look on Winston’s face.

They arrived at the hopefully-a-front planner. 

“This might well be the worst I ever seen,” Jesse said.  The best phrase that Jesse could think of to describe this place was ‘glittery rustic that has seen some shit.’ 

“If this was real, I would walk away now, “Hanzo agreed.  This place really looked like it had seen some real shit in its time. 

“I really wish we could, darlin’” Hesitantly, Jesse took another step towards the monstrosity pretending to be a building.  “The quicker we get in, the quicker it’ll be done with.”  At least, he hoped.  Hanzo nodded and followed along. 

The door chimed a strange rendition of ‘here comes the bride’ made out of different toned beeps.  Maybe a banjo twang?  It was hard to tell.  If he had thought the outside was bad, the inside was even worse.  It was the same kind of theme, with white painted barrels to use as chairs, and what looked like some kind of glitter stained glass counter top at the front desk. 

“You must be Mr. Joel Reyes and Mr. …Uh, Kenshin Himura?  Am I saying that correctly?” The woman at the desk asked when she noticed them come in.  (How could she not if the door fucking chimed every time it opened?  Jesse thought it was kind of hard to miss.)

“No, but Kenshin is fine.” Hanzo had that look on his face.  The one that Jesse had seen a million times, hell, he’d given it a hundred times.  It was the look of a man who really wanted his fake name pronounced correctly.

“Oh! Sorry Kenshin,” The woman said, “Now, if you two can-“

“No.  It’s Kenshin.”  Hanzo argued. 

“Yes, right.  Kenshin.” 

“No, no.  Ken- _shin_ ” Jesse could see the confusion and annoyance on the woman’s face start to appear.  Well.  Hanzo had clearly come to win.  Jesse was gonna have to up his game.

“Okay.  Yes, sorry again.  Kenshin”  She said slowly. Hanzo sighed.

“Not quite right. _Ken_ shin.” At this Jesse knew he’d have to step up his game.

“Yer also not really saying mine correctly.  Ya gotta roll the r, y’know.”  If they annoyed the woman enough she’d shoot at them, clearly revealing that this whole thing was a front for an arms dealer. She already looked annoyed enough to shoot them. 

“So sorry gentlemen.  Why don’t we get started?  We do have limited time, after all.”  Hanzo sighed loudly.

“Fine.  The most important part for me today is to make sure everyone important gets a good place in the wedding,” Hanzo started going though his phone, looking for something.

“I couldn’t agree more!  Now let’s talk-“ The poor woman was once again cut off by Hanzo.

“Now, these are our cats,” he turned the phone and showed a picture of two grumpy looking blue-ish cats.  Where in the hell did Hanzo even find those?  It didn’t even look like a stock image.  “This one is _Tea_ Cake.  He has seven whiskers on each side.  That one is his brother Tea _Cake_ , he has ten whiskers on each side.  They must both be in the wedding, and you must not mix them up.” 

To the poor planner’s credit, she only looked a little shocked.  “Your cats have the same name?”  She asked in a small voice.

“No, they do not.  One is _Tea_ Cake and the other is Tea _Cake_.  They are different.”  Hanzo acted as if it was normal to have twin cats with the same name said differently. “Now.  They must not be any kind of ring bearer or flower cats.  That is very over done.  But they must have an important role.” 

“Uh.  Okay sir.  I…I’m sure I can find something.  Let’s- uh- let’s talk theme?  Would you like an animal theme?”  Jesse knew it was his time to shine. 

“Acutally, we were thinkin’ something closer to Omnic crisis meets Zombie Murder cult, but with a bit of the ole feudal Japan era thrown in for fun.”  Jesse was proud of the look that appeared on the planner’s face.  It was just made of disbelief, that got worse with every word he said.  Any moment she’d bring out the guns to shoot them, and then this mission would be over.

“Ah, isn’t the love of my life so thoughtful,” Hanzo added.  “He knows my favorite era of Japanese history and remembered to add it into our wedding theme.” 

“You like the art and culture of that period?”  The woman asked, probably trying to find something to latch onto.

“Oh no, I like the murder that ran ramped during that time,” Hanzo answered. 

“I know what you like, apple dumpling.”  Jesse put his arm around Hanzo, who leaned into the half hug.

“That’s…uh.  Lovely,” The woman tried.  She already looked freaked out.  Good.  “You two seem....very…uh-“ The woman cut herself off.  “Are…are you guys serious about this?  I believe that you want to get married, like, that is totally believable.  But are you serious about the cats and the…zombie omnic murder cult theme?” 

“We are not joking.  My sweetie bear and I would like a omnic crisis zombie murder cult theme, with our two cats included in the ceremony.”  Jesse had to give Hanzo credit.  He said that completely seriously.  There wasn’t even a trace of tomfoolery in his voice.

“Yup.  This is what we want for the weddin’,” Jesse added. “Sugar Butt here has a list and everything.  All planned out.” 

“Yes, I do,” Hanzo said. “Now, let’s talk colors. I am thinking omnic gray and gore red…”

\-------------

By the end of their three hours, they had used 58 sappy or strange pet names each, argued over the best fake blood, sat on each other, and insisted that the two cats needed to be ordained as ministers so that they could give the ceremony. The planner had tried to calm them down, cooed at how cute they were as a couple, and tried to tell them seven times that cats were unable to talk, and probably couldn’t minster a wedding. 

But never once did she shoot them.  Which, well, kinda sucked, because that would have made the whole ‘hopefully an arms dealer” thing much easier.  The two of them walked hand-in-hand out of the planners, and stayed that way until they got back to their hotel room. 

That is where they both broke down laughing.  Hanzo laughing was one of Jesse’s favorite sounds.  It was like loud, out of tune music.  Probably not the prettiest thing, but one of those rare amazing sounds. 

“Were in the world did you get that theme idea,”  Hanzo asked, once he had calmed down.  “I’m not sure I could have thought of something so…that.”

“That one was a mix of wedding themes I found on the internet. Just mixed ‘em together to get something.  Where did the cat ideas come from?  Loved those.” 

“Based off my dragons.  They are both named after different tea sweets.”  Ah yes, there was that stupid smile that made Jesse’s heart beat too fast.  Ug, he was too gay and Hanzo was still too amazing.  He was attractive and funny and Jesse’s stupid beating heart was too gay for this.  He was going to be the first cowboy to die of feelings. 

“Well, I think we at least created the worst wedding they’ve ever seen.”  He needed to focus on the mission.  Not on Hanzo’s cute face.  Mission.  Not face.  Mission. 

“We have.  When we do get married, it will be nothing like this.”  Hanzo blinked.  Jesse blinked.  Hanzo seemed to realize what he said.  “I would try to fix that and take it back, but first off I know you are not an idiot and would not believe it was some kind of slip of the tongue.  Second, there is no way you have not guessed how I feel. If I’m right, you feel the same.”

Jesse wished that life had a pause button, because he’d like a second to digest what Hanzo just said.  He heard the words that came out of Hanzo’s mouth, but like, what?  Huh?  That was unexpected. 

“I.  Actually didn’t know that,”  Jesse said.  “’bout yer feelings.”  Hanzo gave him a _look_.

“Jesse, you drape yourself over me constantly.  I’ve never thrown you off?  I actively seek you to spend time with.  And I don’t do that with anyone else.”

“I thought you were being friendly?”  Jesse tried.

“When have I ever been friendly?”  Hanzo looked both fond and confused. “I have been flirting with you for months?  Did…Did that not come across at all?” 

“Guess not?  Or I told myself it was all in my head?”  Jesse did tell himself that Hanzo was just opening up and being more friendly.  Guess it was flirting.  Huh.  Whadda ya know?

Hanzo was quiet.  This was quite the awkward silence.  Jesse was gonna have to do something to break it.

“I don’t know about getting hitched yet.  But dinner sounds good,” Jesse tried.  Then he added, “a dinner date.  With feelings and emotions and kissing.”  

“That does sound like a plan.  Dinner with feelings and kissing.  It’s a date.”  Hanzo replied.  He offered his arm out.

 

This whole mission ended up being worth getting yelled at for not taking anything seriously and getting kicked out of the (apparently-not-a-front) wedding planners. 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> In my headcanon Hanzo's dragons are named Higashi and Namagashi, which are both sweets that are had a tea parties and stuff. Hanzo "Two cakes" Shimada is a huge fan of sweets, and so young Hanzo named his dragons as such. 
> 
> Hope you liked it, Happy Holidays and Happy new year!
> 
> Also, an edit: I super fucked up when I posed this first. I like, double posted it. I fixed it, so if you read it in the first like, seven minuets I'm sorry.


End file.
